Senior remarriage: perplexities and pitfalls ( 2003-08-04 10:15) (China Today)
Xu Yunying's husband was paralyzed and bedridden for 16
years before he died, five years ago. After her initial grief, Xu was happy to
resume her old routine of doing exercises in the morning sunshine with her
neighbors, tending to her plants, and watching TV in the evening. Then, after a
while, she began to feel lonely and miss her husband's company, despite all the
distress and difficulty his condition had caused. She does not, however, have
any intention of remarrying.
There are many elderly widows like Xu Yunying in China who, despite
straitened economic circumstances and changes in traditional marriage concepts,
would never consider a second marriage. Their reasons are various. They don't
want to marry a man younger than them, but on the other hand, would worry about
the state of health of an older man.
"I want no more emotional upheavals," says Xu. "I can't afford hired help at
home, and neither do I want to spend the rest of my life looking after another
man." Since her husband's death, therefore, Xu has not looked into the question
of a second spouse, having decided to remain a widow.
The right to freedom of marriage has always been promoted and protected in
China, and since the 1980s, with the increasing numbers of seniors, the issue of
their second marriage has become a source of social concern. Clauses protecting
elderly marriage partners have been added to the local laws of 22 provinces and
municipalities.
In 2001, the revised Marriage Law stated clearly that marriage freedom must
in no way be infringed upon. There are matrimonial agencies that specialize in
senior citizens. The media also actively supports elder remarriage, and young
people are aware that their parents have the freedom to marry again if they
wish. This has resulted in a slight increase in the rate of remarriage within
this age group.
According to research by Professor Hao Maishou from the Tianjin Academy of
Social Sciences, in the mid 1990s it reached 7 percent and has continued to
increase in recent years. Yet despite social concern and encouragement, it is
still relatively low. According to a social survey, there are 1.3 million elder
people in Tianjin, of whom 30.3 percent are widowed, yet only 10 percent have
remarried.
Research carried out by Du Peng, deputy director of the Population Research
Institute at the People's University shows that most elderly women choose not to
remarry. Some, like Xu Yunying, do not want to be tied down again, but in most
cases the traditional concept of remaining loyal to the spouse prevails. Du
Peng's survey demonstrates that 50 percent of the senior population in Beijing
believes traditional attitudes to be the major obstacle to their remarriage.
Other deterrents are the opposition of children, and the knotty problem of
property.
Cases of failed remarriage
Remarrying in later years is not an easy decision, and making a marriage work
after taking this step is also a challenge. Says professor Hao, "In the 1980s
the divorce rate in senior remarriage was as high as 80 to 90 percent. This has
dropped in the last year or so, but in big cities like Beijing and Tianjin where
there is a large senior population, the rate maintains a level of about 70
percent."
Residents of Wuhan, Hubei Province, seventy-two-year-old Wang Minxin and his
new wife were very happy when they read the revised Marriage Law on April 28,
2001. On marrying they had been driven out of Wang's home by his son, and were
obliged to find rented accommodation. Said Wang Minxin to his wife "We can take
him to court now," and sure enough the court pronounced Wang's son guilty of
intervening in his marriage freedom. Two years passed, Wang Minxin began to miss
his son and grandson and longed to meet with them and bury the hatchet. But his
son refused to share the house with his father unless he divorced. This put Wang
Minxin in a difficult situation, as when he grows older he will need to rely on
his son, albeit under less congenial circumstances. He and his wife are happy
now, but in another ten or twenty years may well be a burden to each other.
Sixty-two-year-old Li's story is quite different. He took his second wife to
court over a matter of property. Li and his second wife Zeng each had their own
house, and on marrying decided to live in Zeng's. On one occasion when Li was
away on business, Zeng's granddaughter asked her for help in finding the funds
she needed to study in Japan. Zeng sold Li's house without asking his permission
and gave the sale proceeds to her granddaughter. This infuriated Li's children,
who berated Zeng and informed Li of her actions, insisting that he repossess the
house. Li was unhappy at Zeng's making such a big decision without consulting
him, and Zeng, who had all along planned to repay the money, was furious that Li
had taken his children's, rather than her side. She asked for a divorce and
drove Li out of her house. A happy marriage thus ended in acrimony.
Another elderly couple from Tianjin married a month after making one
another's acquaintance, and quietly divorced three months later, acknowledging
that they were incompatible. The woman's late husband had been content to let
her make all the decisions, but her new partner's character was as strong as her
own. He was also not very caring, and would happily go out to enjoy himself
while his wife stayed alone at home. The marriage consequently ended in discord.
The distance between reality and expectation
Why do so many seniors divorce after remarrying? According to Pei Xiaomei of
the Center for the Study of Gerontology at Tsinghua University, owing to the
disparity between their expectations of a second marriage and its reality. "Many
elderly people do not consider deeply the ramifications of marrying again. For
example, a woman in her 60s may want a wealthy partner in good health and with a
large house. But she may overlook the question of whether or not their
personalities match.
In any event, remarriage in women over the age of 65 has declined in recent
years. The reason would seem to be because neither eligible marriage partners
nor proposed living conditions measure up to expectations, and because
remarriage puts a strain on relations with offspring on either side.
Another factor is that rapid economic developments in China in recent years
have left many Chinese senior citizens confused and worried. Analysts say that
the incomplete pension system, medical care and social services inhibit seniors
from remarrying, as they think that if they take a new marriage partner their
offspring will refuse to look after them when they are sick and infirm. Many, on
the other hand, see remarriage merely as a means to financial security, which
leads them to make hasty, inadvisable matches.
The solution?
The Maishou Matrimonial Agency is the brainchild of Professor Hao Maishou.
His agency stands apart from others as it provides its elderly clientele with
pre-nuptial contracts. Professor Hao is an expert geriatrician with more than 20
years experience. On comparing Chinese family and marriage law with that of the
West, he found the former to be lacking as regards the interests of senior
citizens. He subsequently formulated his Three Unchanged Principles applying to
elderly remarriage. They are: "unchanged property right, unchanged inheritance
right and unchanged parent/offspring obligation." The principles clarify how
previously married (generally widowed) elderly people who wish to marry again
should proceed, with specific reference to their rights, possessions and
property. This avoids any misunderstandings and conflicts that may occur at a
later date.
The principles give the elderly specific legal guidance as they consider
their second marriage. The purpose of the pre-nuptial contract is to set down
agreed conditions of marriage on the premise of the Three Unchanged Principles.
The contract has eight clauses, covering such issues as property, medical care,
and offspring, each with detailed articles. Articles relating to property cover
pre-nuptial estate property, enterprise assets, living expenses after marriage,
shared property, and medical expenses, to name a few. The contract encompasses
solutions to the kinds of economic problems that might be encountered within
marriage. It takes legal effect once the two sides reach agreement and have the
contract notarized.
The nuptial contract was not readily accepted at first. Some believed it to
be prejudiced against women, like the five senior women in Gansu who disputed
its legality to the extent that they took Hao Maishou to court. Professor Hao
insists, however, that his methods are fair and have produced good results. To
date, 300 couples have signed his notarized contract, only 5 percent of whom
have since divorced.
Hao has, however, encountered problems of people being unwilling to sign or
rewriting it to make it simpler. Professor Hao admits that most aged people are
loath to spend half their monthly income on a piece of paper that resembles a
self-sale indenture. Another marriage expert says that Chinese people still
embrace the traditional marriage concept of two partners merging into one entity
after marriage. The contract system is, therefore, too westernized a concept for
them to accept. It might resolve economic conflicts, but is not the remedy to
all matrimonial problems. Even after signing the contract, many do not abide by
its conditions, and divorce proceedings ensue.
Cohabiting and cross-generation marriages -- the new trend
The concept of cohabitation has been of increasing relevance to older people
in recent year it is currently going through a process of criticism and
acceptance.
Professor Hao is entirely in favor of people 50 years old or older
cohabiting, as they may then avoid loneliness and devote the remainder of their
lives to taking care of each other. In the absence of any legal obligation to
support one another, their children continue to take this responsibility, and
there is no change as regards inheritance of property or possessions.
Some consider cohabitation as an emotional arrangement and marriage as more
practical. The former resembles a long-term relationship with a friend of the
opposite sex, between whom there is mutual respect and understanding that either
party has the freedom to stay or leave as they please. Cohabiting partners can
come to a written agreement about the rights and obligations of their
arrangement according to Chinese law and lodge it with the Ministry of Civil
Affairs. Either side has the right to terminate such an agreement on demand.
Two widowed seniors in Zibo City, Shandong Province who had married were
obliged to divorce and cohabit in order to have a place to live. The woman's
deceased husband left her the house allocated to him by his work unit. On her
second marriage the work unit demanded that she return it to them and live at
her second husband's house, but this belonged to his son. The pair had no choice
but to divorce and live together. They are now waiting to buy her late husband's
house, after which they will hold another wedding ceremony. Many such petty
regulations stand in the way of elderly people's second marriages. Professor Hao
has formerly proposed that the Marriage Law acknowledges cohabitation among the
elderly, but has yet to receive a response.
Another difficulty inhibiting successful remarriage in the senior age group
is that older people become set in their ways. It is no easy matter to find
someone who complements their character and shares their interests. There are
also the practical issues of housing, finance and offspring that prevent seniors
from living together even when otherwise compatible. Housing is particularly
relevant, as many live with children who cannot afford their own house. If they
were to marry again they would need to move their children out. Also most
elderly people have children who need their help in the home looking after
grandchildren.
One solution is to embark on a new rhythm of life where one partner goes to
the other's house a few nights of the week, and stays at his/her own household
to take care of family matters during the day. If one should fall sick, the
other looks after him/her, obviating the need for their offspring to take time
off work. At weekends, when the offspring can manage without them, both partners
can go out together and enjoy themselves. According to Professor Hao, about 50
percent of the urban elderly cohabit.
Cross-generation marriage is a trend that has emerged in recent years.
Elderly Chinese men were previously happy to find a partner that would simply
look after them, but nowadays seek younger partners with tender hearts and good
figures. Sexologist Shi Chengli says that the motives for cross-generation
marriage are mainly sexual. According to the traditional Chinese medical
concept, emotions and desires have great influence on the health, and
maintaining a tranquil mind builds up the immune system and brings longevity.
This encourages elder people to be restrained in their sexual behavior and so
conserve energy. Modern medical theory points out, however, that an active and
fulfilling sex life is also a source of good health and a strong immune system
at any age. Statistic indicate that 90.4 percent of men aged over 60 still have
sexual desire, and that 54.7 percent strongly so. It has also been suggested
that men aged 70 retain sexual desire that women of the same age have generally
lost. Cross-generation marriages are, therefore, a viable proposition.
Xu Yunying's husband was paralyzed and bedridden for 16
years before he died, five years ago. After her initial grief, Xu was happy to
resume her old routine of doing exercises in the morning sunshine with her
neighbors, tending to her plants, and watching TV in the evening. Then, after a
while, she began to feel lonely and miss her husband's company, despite all the
distress and difficulty his condition had caused. She does not, however, have
any intention of remarrying.
